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Name Change
Sun, 30 Aug 2009 | 13:21
I've decided I'm going to change my online name. I'm ditching "Pagan Lady Serena" and its variants. I'm going to rename to something different, something exciting, something there's going to be only one or two variants of.
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I'm on Lexapro.
Wed, 15 Jul 2009 | 09:13
Emo: 
chipper
So yesterday I had my appointment at the clinic. When I saw the psychiatrist, he asked me a few questions. I nearly broke out in tears.
He gave me 5 boxes of Lexapro (7 doses each) and my next appointment is 18 August. Then he'll see what's different with me on the Lexapro. He definitely wants to tackle the gender issue. I could tell.
Lexapro is a different kind of antidepressant. Its still an SSRI, but its a bit stronger than Prozac. The doctor said it has fewer side effects than Prozac. I dunno, but I certainly feel better. When the Prozac was taking effect I felt woozy, the Lexapro made me somewhat queasy when it was taking effect. At least it wasn't too horribly bad.
So, one month from now, essentially. If I find myself lucky enough to have acquired a job by then, things will go well.
He gave me 5 boxes of Lexapro (7 doses each) and my next appointment is 18 August. Then he'll see what's different with me on the Lexapro. He definitely wants to tackle the gender issue. I could tell.
Lexapro is a different kind of antidepressant. Its still an SSRI, but its a bit stronger than Prozac. The doctor said it has fewer side effects than Prozac. I dunno, but I certainly feel better. When the Prozac was taking effect I felt woozy, the Lexapro made me somewhat queasy when it was taking effect. At least it wasn't too horribly bad.
So, one month from now, essentially. If I find myself lucky enough to have acquired a job by then, things will go well.
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Yay!
Thu, 02 Jul 2009 | 14:45
YES! A few hours ago I got back home from my appointment at the CHCS clinic. I have an appointment to see a doctor on 14 July. I go back this coming Mewday to get enrolled in CareLink (free healthcare coverage). I am also enrolled in employment assistance and housing assistance. We discussed my treatment plan, and transgender is listed on there. Hopefully this means I'll get a prescription for hormones. I was also told I may be prescribed something new or something else since I still feel a bit on the hopeless side. The hopelessness isn't as bad as before, though, its just still there. I know exactly what will make it go away - hormones.
I also have a diagnosis for Major Depression Disorder, and that can get me listed as having a mental disability, ie, sooner or later I may qualify for disability benefits. Not exactly the best way to be "disabled", IMO, but its not like I'd turn down the placard for guaranteed close-proximity parking. Hopefully it won't come to that, the only way I wouldn't feel guilty about accepting disability benefits is if I get landed in a wheelchair, unable to walk ever again.
Over the weekend I will run out of prozac, so the weekend and all of next week is going to be pretty shitty for me. I won't get any more until I see the doctor on the 14th. I hate the prospect of sinking back into the depths of hell depression. The past two weeks I've been on prozac were really good for me. I rather enjoy not suffering in hell being suicidally depressed.
I also have a diagnosis for Major Depression Disorder, and that can get me listed as having a mental disability, ie, sooner or later I may qualify for disability benefits. Not exactly the best way to be "disabled", IMO, but its not like I'd turn down the placard for guaranteed close-proximity parking. Hopefully it won't come to that, the only way I wouldn't feel guilty about accepting disability benefits is if I get landed in a wheelchair, unable to walk ever again.
Over the weekend I will run out of prozac, so the weekend and all of next week is going to be pretty shitty for me. I won't get any more until I see the doctor on the 14th. I hate the prospect of sinking back into the depths of hell depression. The past two weeks I've been on prozac were really good for me. I rather enjoy not suffering in hell being suicidally depressed.
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New Server
Sun, 28 Jun 2009 | 10:09
Well, I've got a new server this week. I asked my dad if I can use his old machine as a server and he said its okay as long as I give him the hard drive from it. That's fine.
So on Furday I did it. I put the new server in place and its new enough that FreeBSD's powerd works without any issues. Unfortunately FreeBSD's powerd works without any issues. See, I knew powerd would make the machine run cooler and with less energy by scaling down the CPU speed and then boosting the CPU speed only when more power is needed. Unfortunately, its running too damn cool. I used to not have a problem with the temperature in the room, but now its just too damn cold.
Well at least the site runs 3x faster now. Just .... I didn't think it would be so damn cold in here.
So on Furday I did it. I put the new server in place and its new enough that FreeBSD's powerd works without any issues. Unfortunately FreeBSD's powerd works without any issues. See, I knew powerd would make the machine run cooler and with less energy by scaling down the CPU speed and then boosting the CPU speed only when more power is needed. Unfortunately, its running too damn cool. I used to not have a problem with the temperature in the room, but now its just too damn cold.
Well at least the site runs 3x faster now. Just .... I didn't think it would be so damn cold in here.
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Joy!
Fri, 26 Jun 2009 | 05:41
Some of y'alls already know this. This happened yesterday and I'm quite happy by it. I talked to some of you in near-real-time, via IRC or IM. I posted on Varus and Celainia, in the "One Good Thing" threads.
Yesterday I had an appointment at CHCS at 13:15. Well, parking was a bitch, and I ended up parking in another building's parking lot, risking having the car towed away. That didn't happen. At my appointment, I spoke to someone. Not a psychiatrist, just a girl who helps get people into the system.
I am to see a psychiatrist. Well no shit, that's pretty standard following what I did. But, I also decided to enroll in employment and housing assistance. I also told her about me, and why I need these services. She asked me what's more important, moving out or transition. Moving out, since I can't transition while living with the parents. Seems they might make transition a priority for me after I establish independence.
I'm a girl, lost in the forest.
I hear something in the distance.
Could it be someone come to save me?
Its going to be interesting going to my next appointment. 2 July 2009 @ 11:00.
Yesterday I had an appointment at CHCS at 13:15. Well, parking was a bitch, and I ended up parking in another building's parking lot, risking having the car towed away. That didn't happen. At my appointment, I spoke to someone. Not a psychiatrist, just a girl who helps get people into the system.
I am to see a psychiatrist. Well no shit, that's pretty standard following what I did. But, I also decided to enroll in employment and housing assistance. I also told her about me, and why I need these services. She asked me what's more important, moving out or transition. Moving out, since I can't transition while living with the parents. Seems they might make transition a priority for me after I establish independence.
I'm a girl, lost in the forest.
I hear something in the distance.
Could it be someone come to save me?
Its going to be interesting going to my next appointment. 2 July 2009 @ 11:00.
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City Builders
Thu, 25 Jun 2009 | 09:53
I love games in which the primary objective is to build. But not just any building game, its the city builders that strike my fancy. I've tried empire builders ... not really my thing.
My favorite city builder was Pharaoh. Great game, although I didn't care too much for having deities that needed homage, nor did I like the jagged edges on the playing board. It was awesome because you set up industries, storage, and trading. You had more things to tweak and play around with than SimCity ever had. SimCity tried, but in SimCity 4 shit just became too damn complicated for an enjoyable game.
Unfortunately, Pharaoh doesn't run on Mac, nor is there an open source variant with the same mechanics. I found a web-based game called Travian, but that's so incredibly different.
I think I may make a game similar to Pharaoh, but entirely in a web browser. Yea, the game mechanics of Pharaoh in a web browser. That'll be a challenge, but also, very interesting. Rather than use someone else's IP, I'd want to use The Hawkwell Chronicles to establish content for it.
I find Travian's revenue model to be rather interesting. Perhaps for my own city builder a couple concepts for a revenue model would be similar to Travian, but I think I'd use it for trade. Premium gets longer trading range over the world map? Meh, I'll figure it out after I get it going.
The Hawkwell Chronicles is looking to be 3 games now. The city builder not being part of the storyline, just something on the side purely for fun.
My favorite city builder was Pharaoh. Great game, although I didn't care too much for having deities that needed homage, nor did I like the jagged edges on the playing board. It was awesome because you set up industries, storage, and trading. You had more things to tweak and play around with than SimCity ever had. SimCity tried, but in SimCity 4 shit just became too damn complicated for an enjoyable game.
Unfortunately, Pharaoh doesn't run on Mac, nor is there an open source variant with the same mechanics. I found a web-based game called Travian, but that's so incredibly different.
I think I may make a game similar to Pharaoh, but entirely in a web browser. Yea, the game mechanics of Pharaoh in a web browser. That'll be a challenge, but also, very interesting. Rather than use someone else's IP, I'd want to use The Hawkwell Chronicles to establish content for it.
I find Travian's revenue model to be rather interesting. Perhaps for my own city builder a couple concepts for a revenue model would be similar to Travian, but I think I'd use it for trade. Premium gets longer trading range over the world map? Meh, I'll figure it out after I get it going.
The Hawkwell Chronicles is looking to be 3 games now. The city builder not being part of the storyline, just something on the side purely for fun.
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Yay! New Server!
Tue, 23 Jun 2009 | 20:09
Emo: 
pleased
So, my dad said I can have his old machine and repurpose it as a server for Varus. Freaking sweet! This is quite a big change for the site, because this machine is so much better. His old machine will become our new FastCGI (PHP) server.
The current FastCGI Server is a 32-bit 1500MHz Intel Pentium 4 single-core with 1GB memory. Being a single-core system means it can only handle so much at once.
The new machine is a 2.4GHz AMD Athlon 3300+ with 2GB memory (I still need to confirm these specs). Its also a dual-core 64-bit system. Being a 64-bit system, it has a 17% average performance improvement over 32-bit processor. Its also newer, which means we will be able to enable power management, for less power and less heat. That means happier me since I'm in the same room with these things.
While we don't really need the upgrade, its still helpful as it will improve our page response time, and finish our processor-intensive operations (like avatar processing) quicker. More memory also means I can enable more PHP processes, decreasing the likelihood of a server error produced by nginx. So yay.
So what's to happen with the 1500MHz machine? It'll be repurposed as the web server. What will happen with the Pentium 3 that's currently operating as the web server? Well, we won't need it anymore, so it will be permanently taken out of service. Does anyone want this machine?
The current FastCGI Server is a 32-bit 1500MHz Intel Pentium 4 single-core with 1GB memory. Being a single-core system means it can only handle so much at once.
The new machine is a 2.4GHz AMD Athlon 3300+ with 2GB memory (I still need to confirm these specs). Its also a dual-core 64-bit system. Being a 64-bit system, it has a 17% average performance improvement over 32-bit processor. Its also newer, which means we will be able to enable power management, for less power and less heat. That means happier me since I'm in the same room with these things.
While we don't really need the upgrade, its still helpful as it will improve our page response time, and finish our processor-intensive operations (like avatar processing) quicker. More memory also means I can enable more PHP processes, decreasing the likelihood of a server error produced by nginx. So yay.
So what's to happen with the 1500MHz machine? It'll be repurposed as the web server. What will happen with the Pentium 3 that's currently operating as the web server? Well, we won't need it anymore, so it will be permanently taken out of service. Does anyone want this machine?
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Side Effects
Sat, 20 Jun 2009 | 22:45
Emo: 
magic happy pill
Its weird. At the crisis center, when I was getting my prescription for Prozac, something I found to be not quite logical happened.
The doctor was like "I'm going to give you Prozac, but one of its side-effects is increasing suicidal thoughts."
WTF. After all, that's what got me there in the first place. Not just thoughts, but an actual attempt, as my previous entries have noted.
All I could think about that was "So, yer giving me a drug that has a side effect which increases what brought me here in the first place." No, I didn't say it, I only thought it. But still. WTF.
In reality? It has done the exact opposite. It has given me such a high and such happiness on such a deep level that I don't have suicidal thoughts and I don't feel as depressed as I used to. I still feel depressed, but its nowhere near as bad as before.
The doctor was like "I'm going to give you Prozac, but one of its side-effects is increasing suicidal thoughts."
WTF. After all, that's what got me there in the first place. Not just thoughts, but an actual attempt, as my previous entries have noted.
All I could think about that was "So, yer giving me a drug that has a side effect which increases what brought me here in the first place." No, I didn't say it, I only thought it. But still. WTF.
In reality? It has done the exact opposite. It has given me such a high and such happiness on such a deep level that I don't have suicidal thoughts and I don't feel as depressed as I used to. I still feel depressed, but its nowhere near as bad as before.
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OMG, so happy!
Thu, 18 Jun 2009 | 22:12
Emo: happy
Today I've been happy all day long for absolutely no damn reason. Yep, you read that right. No, I didn't lose it. Today I took my first prozac. Yea, I felt a little odd at first during the onset, even woozy and I even swayed a little bit. But when that passed, a grand thing happened to me. Waves of happiness came over me, washing over me and rinsing away the depression and emotional pain I was enduring. I haven't felt this happy in years, such a long time I forgot what it feels like to be this happy.
Indeed this happiness is drug induced, but that doesn't mean it is any less meaningful. I've needed happiness like this for quite a while.
Earlier in the morning, I had to take my dad to BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center) for his pre-operative appointment. While we were there, the antidepressant I was given yesterday had worn off, and I crashed, and came off the high. That took two and a half hours for me to come down. Yea, I was higher than a kite and I didn't even realize it until the crash. I was nauseous the whole time, but was okay when it was over, well mostly. So even though it made me sick an hour after I took it, I still absorbed enough of it to last me a day and some hours. This gives me an incentive to take my prozac at 12:30 tomorrow, as that will be 24 hours (+/- 15 mins) since I took the one earlier today. I don't want to feel that again. Plus, I rather like this happiness.
Another note about the crash earlier: I was at BAMC for the entire duration, so I really wasn't worried about any critical consequences of it, since the ER was like RIGHT FREAKING THERE!
And unlike yesterday, my regular avoidance routine actually worked. Yes, I get nauseous often enough, I've developed a routine to help keep me from vomiting. It works most of the time.
Indeed this happiness is drug induced, but that doesn't mean it is any less meaningful. I've needed happiness like this for quite a while.
Earlier in the morning, I had to take my dad to BAMC (Brooke Army Medical Center) for his pre-operative appointment. While we were there, the antidepressant I was given yesterday had worn off, and I crashed, and came off the high. That took two and a half hours for me to come down. Yea, I was higher than a kite and I didn't even realize it until the crash. I was nauseous the whole time, but was okay when it was over, well mostly. So even though it made me sick an hour after I took it, I still absorbed enough of it to last me a day and some hours. This gives me an incentive to take my prozac at 12:30 tomorrow, as that will be 24 hours (+/- 15 mins) since I took the one earlier today. I don't want to feel that again. Plus, I rather like this happiness.
Another note about the crash earlier: I was at BAMC for the entire duration, so I really wasn't worried about any critical consequences of it, since the ER was like RIGHT FREAKING THERE!
And unlike yesterday, my regular avoidance routine actually worked. Yes, I get nauseous often enough, I've developed a routine to help keep me from vomiting. It works most of the time.
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What I Would Have Missed
Wed, 17 Jun 2009 | 23:01
Emo: 
blah
Well, turns out there are happy things I would have missed if I had not been helped two nights ago. My cousin got her ducks. Someone in SL who I hadn't seen in over half a year has come back tonight. I missed her, too.
I'm happy my cousin got her ducks, she's been wanting them for quite a while, and now they are there, a reality. Its awesome. She's talked so much about the ducks and what she has been getting for them. I certainly hope the ducks go well for her.
And now for miscellaneous other shit:
I survived a suicide attempt. I'm feeling really weird, have been all day. The ER gave me the detoxifier, but also a number of other drugs to counteract the effects of what I had overdosed on. It lowers blood pressure, and with the amount I had, my blood pressure could have bottomed-out and that leads to stroke, so they gave me something to increase my blood pressure. The fluctuations in my blood pressure for those hours was like OMG, but the fluctuations had a lower spread as time went on. It screws with the electrolytes in the heart, so I had heart medication. And a laxative, to evac my GI tract (in case any of the spiro made it that far). And let's not forget everyone's favorite - the general IV that they stick everyone with. Yep, had that, too.
So with everything that got pumped into me, I'm chemical soup. I feel really really weird. I even had an antidepressant at the crisis center.
I've been in quite a bit of physical pain today, and I have to keep resting my head on my paws. But you know what? I'm not complaining, because its still less discomfort than the emotional pain I've been in the past two days, particularly the night of the attempt. I'm better now. Not completely better, but better enough they took me off the Emergency Detention issued by the San Antonio police officer who was awaiting my arrival at the ER ("Is this the suicide from Converse?"), and sent me home.
My mom was doing inventory at certain military pharmacies. My dad was on vicodin and thus unable to drive, and I was just released from the crisis center. Yea, I think she had a valid reason to be late for pharmaceutical inventory. Plus she got lost on the way to the mental hospital, so it took her half an hour to get to it, which is just 3 miles from Fort Sam Houston. Also didn't help there ware 4 other hospitals visible from just one side of the mental hospital.
I'm also like blah. Last time I've felt this indifferent was at the start of 2007 (returning to parents after Sarah killed herself), and before then, back in 2003 (in the brig). Still, "blah" is better than my state before the police came. And omg. So yea, I'm in a lot of physical pain, I'm really groggy and feeling weird, and none of it matters because I survived and the doctors at the crisis center helped uplift me and give me hope. Then gave some prozac to keep me uplifted until the appointment with the psychiatric clinic, which has the specialists I need.
To keep me from hurting myself if I have another episode, the prozac is only given to me for a week at a time. That way an overdose is limited and non-lethal, but may still send me to the ER (this is what I was told). Well, at least its safer than a month's supply at a time.
So yea, I'm going to be making apologies to certain peoples. They were unfortunate enough to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught in my problems. Not their fault, I'm the one who screwed up.
Daaaaaaaaaamn, how perspective changes once you've gone through a suicide attempt.
I'm happy my cousin got her ducks, she's been wanting them for quite a while, and now they are there, a reality. Its awesome. She's talked so much about the ducks and what she has been getting for them. I certainly hope the ducks go well for her.
And now for miscellaneous other shit:
I survived a suicide attempt. I'm feeling really weird, have been all day. The ER gave me the detoxifier, but also a number of other drugs to counteract the effects of what I had overdosed on. It lowers blood pressure, and with the amount I had, my blood pressure could have bottomed-out and that leads to stroke, so they gave me something to increase my blood pressure. The fluctuations in my blood pressure for those hours was like OMG, but the fluctuations had a lower spread as time went on. It screws with the electrolytes in the heart, so I had heart medication. And a laxative, to evac my GI tract (in case any of the spiro made it that far). And let's not forget everyone's favorite - the general IV that they stick everyone with. Yep, had that, too.
So with everything that got pumped into me, I'm chemical soup. I feel really really weird. I even had an antidepressant at the crisis center.
I've been in quite a bit of physical pain today, and I have to keep resting my head on my paws. But you know what? I'm not complaining, because its still less discomfort than the emotional pain I've been in the past two days, particularly the night of the attempt. I'm better now. Not completely better, but better enough they took me off the Emergency Detention issued by the San Antonio police officer who was awaiting my arrival at the ER ("Is this the suicide from Converse?"), and sent me home.
My mom was doing inventory at certain military pharmacies. My dad was on vicodin and thus unable to drive, and I was just released from the crisis center. Yea, I think she had a valid reason to be late for pharmaceutical inventory. Plus she got lost on the way to the mental hospital, so it took her half an hour to get to it, which is just 3 miles from Fort Sam Houston. Also didn't help there ware 4 other hospitals visible from just one side of the mental hospital.
I'm also like blah. Last time I've felt this indifferent was at the start of 2007 (returning to parents after Sarah killed herself), and before then, back in 2003 (in the brig). Still, "blah" is better than my state before the police came. And omg. So yea, I'm in a lot of physical pain, I'm really groggy and feeling weird, and none of it matters because I survived and the doctors at the crisis center helped uplift me and give me hope. Then gave some prozac to keep me uplifted until the appointment with the psychiatric clinic, which has the specialists I need.
To keep me from hurting myself if I have another episode, the prozac is only given to me for a week at a time. That way an overdose is limited and non-lethal, but may still send me to the ER (this is what I was told). Well, at least its safer than a month's supply at a time.
So yea, I'm going to be making apologies to certain peoples. They were unfortunate enough to be at the wrong place at the wrong time and got caught in my problems. Not their fault, I'm the one who screwed up.
Daaaaaaaaaamn, how perspective changes once you've gone through a suicide attempt.
