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This isn't working.
Mon, 07 Sep 2009 | 13:56
Emo: 
sad
The other day I got really depressed and sad again. Yes, I'm still taking my antidepressants, but it seems they aren't the solution for my issue, but I knew that when this treatment option started.
So what was that all about? Gender issues, yet again. Once more, I was thinking my life is a complete waste and just not worth living since, at this point, it seems I'll never get to transition. Yet again, suicidal thoughts, with a sense of urgency. Urgency, as in I really really need to transition or I'll be dead. It feels as though my gender issue has been ignored for so long I've gone terminal and it'll kill me if its not taken care of rather soon.
I simply can't live like this. I've been forced to live a lie for so long, I just want it to end. One way or another, the lie will end. The biggest fear I have about going out in public is someone seeing through the lie and calling it out. I also fear what the Navy will do if they find out I lied on my enlistment application. I don't hug very often and I wear clothes a bit bigger than me because someone might find the lie if they saw my body or had close contact with it. I don't want to be seen as a liar.
But nobody around me here seems to care enough about me to make the lying end.
So what was that all about? Gender issues, yet again. Once more, I was thinking my life is a complete waste and just not worth living since, at this point, it seems I'll never get to transition. Yet again, suicidal thoughts, with a sense of urgency. Urgency, as in I really really need to transition or I'll be dead. It feels as though my gender issue has been ignored for so long I've gone terminal and it'll kill me if its not taken care of rather soon.
I simply can't live like this. I've been forced to live a lie for so long, I just want it to end. One way or another, the lie will end. The biggest fear I have about going out in public is someone seeing through the lie and calling it out. I also fear what the Navy will do if they find out I lied on my enlistment application. I don't hug very often and I wear clothes a bit bigger than me because someone might find the lie if they saw my body or had close contact with it. I don't want to be seen as a liar.
But nobody around me here seems to care enough about me to make the lying end.
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Ugh.
Mon, 31 Aug 2009 | 12:23
Where: Converse, TX
Emo: 
aggravated
Yesterday my parents and I went clothes shopping, for me. I was hoping my parents had read my previous entry, but alas not. It was even more torture leading to more perpetual cross-dressing. Dammit. But first ...
Special Thanks. Special thanks goes to Rosiel and Sian, y'alls overstressed me when I was suicidal and it lead to good things. I'm now on antidepressants and I'm seeing a psychiatrist, both of which I've needed for a very long time. Let's just hope my psychiatrist can help my parents to accept me and allow me to transition.
Raine Dragon for being an excellent friend, being there when I've needed her most, and for saving my life. I know all you want for me to do is to live my life to the fullest (and I intend to), but from where I stand I can't repay you enough.
Jessie, because of the joys you have brought me. Hearing your voice fills me with happiness.
Rachel - you have accepted me without question, and you refer to me by my real self in the face of adversity from our dysfunctional family.
Aura for accepting me and defending me in the face of adversity. I showed you that memorial to help you understand what I go through, and the danger I face. I don't show that place to anybody except those I truly trust.
Everyone listed here has a special place in my heart. All of them are awesome people. If you're listed and you're reading this - you are awesome and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Parents. My parents keep sending me mixed signals. They tell me they love me and care about me, but they never show it. Like yesterday which was absolute torture. More perpetual cross-dressing. They don't want me to transition because they don't want me to attempt suicide, yet not transitioning is mostly what lead me to doing just that. They say they want me to be successful, yet they don't want me to move to another state so I can transition and be successful (for a change). They say they love me, yet they torture me by not letting me be myself. If they really did care, they would let me be myself.
My mom thinks she knows why I attempted suicide, yet she's so far from the truth its not even funny. I can't succeed. If I went to school and got a certificate or a degree, I wouldn't get any credit for it, someone else would, someone not me. Why should I even try when I know someone else will get the credit? Its also a waste of money, since I'd have to go through it all again after my legal name change, because certs and degrees and the like don't transfer across name changes like this.
If I can't transition, my entire life will have been in vein. The sooner the better, because the longer I'm forced to wait, the less effectual transition will be.
So, in keeping me from my transition, my parents are really saying they don't love me, don't care about me, don't want me to be successful, and would rather have my entire life be one big waste. Oh, but verbally they say the exact opposite. Actions speak louder than words, srsly.
Compromises. My mom does want a few things, but I've not been given a reason to do any of them. She wants me to take care of myself, but I see no reason to. There's also a few other things she wants of me, but its not going to happen unless she changes her mind about me. I'm willing to make those compromises if it means I can transition, but since she hates me so badly she doesn't want me to transition, I guess those compromises will never happen.
Fear. At the crisis center, I was given the phone number for the San Antonio Diversity Center. I haven't called. I haven't called because I fear what wrath my parents will bring down upon me if they find out I'm going to a transgender support group. I'm tempted to purchase more hormones (yes, without a prescription yet again) just to get things going, but again I fear the wrath of parents who honestly don't care about my well-being.
Army. And I thought things would be better since my mom is in the Army, and the US uniformed services are all about family. I wonder what would happen if they found out my mom is acting 180-degrees against my best interest and well-being. The shit would hit the fan, that's fersure.
Conclusion. My parents would much rather have my entire life be a complete waste than for me to be successful at anything. They show how out-of-touch they are with reality by coming up with so many reasons for my depression, completely ignoring the one thing that causes most of it. They completely disregard the single source of most of my issues and problems. They showed their true colors of hatred against me during that "talk" after I came out to them. I told them I'm transgender, so they say my depression comes from all the issues that are caused by depression from not being able to be myself.
They completely ignore the fact that if I could be my true self, I wouldn't have most of these issues.
They completely ignore the fact my suicide attempt was because they won't let me be myself.
They completely ignore the fact I have nothing going for me unless I can move on with my life - and transition.
They completely ignore the fact my life will have absolutely zero meaning because of their ignorance.
They completely ignore the fact they are holding me back.
The only way they can show me otherwise is to let me be myself for a change.
Special Thanks. Special thanks goes to Rosiel and Sian, y'alls overstressed me when I was suicidal and it lead to good things. I'm now on antidepressants and I'm seeing a psychiatrist, both of which I've needed for a very long time. Let's just hope my psychiatrist can help my parents to accept me and allow me to transition.
Raine Dragon for being an excellent friend, being there when I've needed her most, and for saving my life. I know all you want for me to do is to live my life to the fullest (and I intend to), but from where I stand I can't repay you enough.
Jessie, because of the joys you have brought me. Hearing your voice fills me with happiness.
Rachel - you have accepted me without question, and you refer to me by my real self in the face of adversity from our dysfunctional family.
Aura for accepting me and defending me in the face of adversity. I showed you that memorial to help you understand what I go through, and the danger I face. I don't show that place to anybody except those I truly trust.
Everyone listed here has a special place in my heart. All of them are awesome people. If you're listed and you're reading this - you are awesome and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
Parents. My parents keep sending me mixed signals. They tell me they love me and care about me, but they never show it. Like yesterday which was absolute torture. More perpetual cross-dressing. They don't want me to transition because they don't want me to attempt suicide, yet not transitioning is mostly what lead me to doing just that. They say they want me to be successful, yet they don't want me to move to another state so I can transition and be successful (for a change). They say they love me, yet they torture me by not letting me be myself. If they really did care, they would let me be myself.
My mom thinks she knows why I attempted suicide, yet she's so far from the truth its not even funny. I can't succeed. If I went to school and got a certificate or a degree, I wouldn't get any credit for it, someone else would, someone not me. Why should I even try when I know someone else will get the credit? Its also a waste of money, since I'd have to go through it all again after my legal name change, because certs and degrees and the like don't transfer across name changes like this.
If I can't transition, my entire life will have been in vein. The sooner the better, because the longer I'm forced to wait, the less effectual transition will be.
So, in keeping me from my transition, my parents are really saying they don't love me, don't care about me, don't want me to be successful, and would rather have my entire life be one big waste. Oh, but verbally they say the exact opposite. Actions speak louder than words, srsly.
Compromises. My mom does want a few things, but I've not been given a reason to do any of them. She wants me to take care of myself, but I see no reason to. There's also a few other things she wants of me, but its not going to happen unless she changes her mind about me. I'm willing to make those compromises if it means I can transition, but since she hates me so badly she doesn't want me to transition, I guess those compromises will never happen.
Fear. At the crisis center, I was given the phone number for the San Antonio Diversity Center. I haven't called. I haven't called because I fear what wrath my parents will bring down upon me if they find out I'm going to a transgender support group. I'm tempted to purchase more hormones (yes, without a prescription yet again) just to get things going, but again I fear the wrath of parents who honestly don't care about my well-being.
Army. And I thought things would be better since my mom is in the Army, and the US uniformed services are all about family. I wonder what would happen if they found out my mom is acting 180-degrees against my best interest and well-being. The shit would hit the fan, that's fersure.
Conclusion. My parents would much rather have my entire life be a complete waste than for me to be successful at anything. They show how out-of-touch they are with reality by coming up with so many reasons for my depression, completely ignoring the one thing that causes most of it. They completely disregard the single source of most of my issues and problems. They showed their true colors of hatred against me during that "talk" after I came out to them. I told them I'm transgender, so they say my depression comes from all the issues that are caused by depression from not being able to be myself.
They completely ignore the fact that if I could be my true self, I wouldn't have most of these issues.
They completely ignore the fact my suicide attempt was because they won't let me be myself.
They completely ignore the fact I have nothing going for me unless I can move on with my life - and transition.
They completely ignore the fact my life will have absolutely zero meaning because of their ignorance.
They completely ignore the fact they are holding me back.
The only way they can show me otherwise is to let me be myself for a change.
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Name Change
Sun, 30 Aug 2009 | 13:21
I've decided I'm going to change my online name. I'm ditching "Pagan Lady Serena" and its variants. I'm going to rename to something different, something exciting, something there's going to be only one or two variants of.
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*sigh*
Wed, 19 Aug 2009 | 13:44
Where: Converse, TX
So yesterday I had an appointment at Harvard Place Clinic, another visit to my psychiatrist. Dr. De Hoyos, great guy, very nice. He gave me prescription for 30 days worth of Lexapro, which came out to $109 at Walmart. The meeting didn't cover as much as I wanted though, and I'm to blame for that, few things just totally skipped my mind at the time.
I forgot to mention the showertime freak-out I had, since which I've been very good about keeping my legs nice and shaved. :D I also forgot to mention that I had a thought of self-surgery the night before. Oops.
I did, however, ask about starting hormones. :D We talked about that for a bit, he made sure I knew how big a change it is, and I'm well aware of it. Unfortunately I totally forgot to mention Los Angeles 2006 and how happy it made me. Sadly, I didn't get a hormone prescription. But hey, this gives me about one month to write something to tell my mom that I need to transition, and my suicide attempt was because I feel like I can't transition here. I can load that posting up with keywords my mom usually Googles so she can find it, and I can include some unique identifiers to make sure she knows its me, things like her rank of Captain in the Army, perhaps even a mention that her World of Warcraft character is Palvarosa. I can even spice it up with things like the fact I drive a Lincoln, or my primary computer is a Mac.
>.>
I dunno, perhaps I can send an email about all of this to my psychiatrist. At least, 16 September I can tell him moar, and for confronting my parents about this again, perhaps I could even ask for his help with that.
I know my parents want a few things from me, like a grandchild, and I'm willing to provide if it means I can transition. Besides, I've always wanted to be a mommy. If a surrogate mother can be found, then awesome. Hell, if I'm forced into a pre-arranged relationship, I'd go along with it. Pre-arranged relationship meaning I'm paired with a date rather than simply a reproductive mate.
At the crisis center, I was given the phone number for the San Antonio Diversity Center, although I've been afraid to call and get into the transgender support group due to fear of backlash from said parents (and yet I have my hip-huggers, nail polish, and nail polish remover).
Lastly, CNet News has reported that AT&T will be discontinuing their broadband streaming service on 1 September. What the fuck. I rather like the digital TV streaming in over the fiber. Apparently AT&T thinks they can't compete with Hulu, which is a big steaming pile of shit. Can't watch Hulu on the TV, and AT&T U-verse provides the IPTV boxes. Looks like we may have to revert to Dish Network, which is shitty because U-verse, being ground-based fiber, is less susceptible to inclement weather than satellite is. Yea, this has me rather pissed.
I forgot to mention the showertime freak-out I had, since which I've been very good about keeping my legs nice and shaved. :D I also forgot to mention that I had a thought of self-surgery the night before. Oops.
I did, however, ask about starting hormones. :D We talked about that for a bit, he made sure I knew how big a change it is, and I'm well aware of it. Unfortunately I totally forgot to mention Los Angeles 2006 and how happy it made me. Sadly, I didn't get a hormone prescription. But hey, this gives me about one month to write something to tell my mom that I need to transition, and my suicide attempt was because I feel like I can't transition here. I can load that posting up with keywords my mom usually Googles so she can find it, and I can include some unique identifiers to make sure she knows its me, things like her rank of Captain in the Army, perhaps even a mention that her World of Warcraft character is Palvarosa. I can even spice it up with things like the fact I drive a Lincoln, or my primary computer is a Mac.
>.>
I dunno, perhaps I can send an email about all of this to my psychiatrist. At least, 16 September I can tell him moar, and for confronting my parents about this again, perhaps I could even ask for his help with that.
I know my parents want a few things from me, like a grandchild, and I'm willing to provide if it means I can transition. Besides, I've always wanted to be a mommy. If a surrogate mother can be found, then awesome. Hell, if I'm forced into a pre-arranged relationship, I'd go along with it. Pre-arranged relationship meaning I'm paired with a date rather than simply a reproductive mate.
At the crisis center, I was given the phone number for the San Antonio Diversity Center, although I've been afraid to call and get into the transgender support group due to fear of backlash from said parents (and yet I have my hip-huggers, nail polish, and nail polish remover).
Lastly, CNet News has reported that AT&T will be discontinuing their broadband streaming service on 1 September. What the fuck. I rather like the digital TV streaming in over the fiber. Apparently AT&T thinks they can't compete with Hulu, which is a big steaming pile of shit. Can't watch Hulu on the TV, and AT&T U-verse provides the IPTV boxes. Looks like we may have to revert to Dish Network, which is shitty because U-verse, being ground-based fiber, is less susceptible to inclement weather than satellite is. Yea, this has me rather pissed.
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I'm on Lexapro.
Wed, 15 Jul 2009 | 09:13
Emo: 
chipper
So yesterday I had my appointment at the clinic. When I saw the psychiatrist, he asked me a few questions. I nearly broke out in tears.
He gave me 5 boxes of Lexapro (7 doses each) and my next appointment is 18 August. Then he'll see what's different with me on the Lexapro. He definitely wants to tackle the gender issue. I could tell.
Lexapro is a different kind of antidepressant. Its still an SSRI, but its a bit stronger than Prozac. The doctor said it has fewer side effects than Prozac. I dunno, but I certainly feel better. When the Prozac was taking effect I felt woozy, the Lexapro made me somewhat queasy when it was taking effect. At least it wasn't too horribly bad.
So, one month from now, essentially. If I find myself lucky enough to have acquired a job by then, things will go well.
He gave me 5 boxes of Lexapro (7 doses each) and my next appointment is 18 August. Then he'll see what's different with me on the Lexapro. He definitely wants to tackle the gender issue. I could tell.
Lexapro is a different kind of antidepressant. Its still an SSRI, but its a bit stronger than Prozac. The doctor said it has fewer side effects than Prozac. I dunno, but I certainly feel better. When the Prozac was taking effect I felt woozy, the Lexapro made me somewhat queasy when it was taking effect. At least it wasn't too horribly bad.
So, one month from now, essentially. If I find myself lucky enough to have acquired a job by then, things will go well.
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Yay!
Thu, 02 Jul 2009 | 14:45
YES! A few hours ago I got back home from my appointment at the CHCS clinic. I have an appointment to see a doctor on 14 July. I go back this coming Mewday to get enrolled in CareLink (free healthcare coverage). I am also enrolled in employment assistance and housing assistance. We discussed my treatment plan, and transgender is listed on there. Hopefully this means I'll get a prescription for hormones. I was also told I may be prescribed something new or something else since I still feel a bit on the hopeless side. The hopelessness isn't as bad as before, though, its just still there. I know exactly what will make it go away - hormones.
I also have a diagnosis for Major Depression Disorder, and that can get me listed as having a mental disability, ie, sooner or later I may qualify for disability benefits. Not exactly the best way to be "disabled", IMO, but its not like I'd turn down the placard for guaranteed close-proximity parking. Hopefully it won't come to that, the only way I wouldn't feel guilty about accepting disability benefits is if I get landed in a wheelchair, unable to walk ever again.
Over the weekend I will run out of prozac, so the weekend and all of next week is going to be pretty shitty for me. I won't get any more until I see the doctor on the 14th. I hate the prospect of sinking back into the depths of hell depression. The past two weeks I've been on prozac were really good for me. I rather enjoy not suffering in hell being suicidally depressed.
I also have a diagnosis for Major Depression Disorder, and that can get me listed as having a mental disability, ie, sooner or later I may qualify for disability benefits. Not exactly the best way to be "disabled", IMO, but its not like I'd turn down the placard for guaranteed close-proximity parking. Hopefully it won't come to that, the only way I wouldn't feel guilty about accepting disability benefits is if I get landed in a wheelchair, unable to walk ever again.
Over the weekend I will run out of prozac, so the weekend and all of next week is going to be pretty shitty for me. I won't get any more until I see the doctor on the 14th. I hate the prospect of sinking back into the depths of hell depression. The past two weeks I've been on prozac were really good for me. I rather enjoy not suffering in hell being suicidally depressed.
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New Server
Sun, 28 Jun 2009 | 10:09
Well, I've got a new server this week. I asked my dad if I can use his old machine as a server and he said its okay as long as I give him the hard drive from it. That's fine.
So on Furday I did it. I put the new server in place and its new enough that FreeBSD's powerd works without any issues. Unfortunately FreeBSD's powerd works without any issues. See, I knew powerd would make the machine run cooler and with less energy by scaling down the CPU speed and then boosting the CPU speed only when more power is needed. Unfortunately, its running too damn cool. I used to not have a problem with the temperature in the room, but now its just too damn cold.
Well at least the site runs 3x faster now. Just .... I didn't think it would be so damn cold in here.
So on Furday I did it. I put the new server in place and its new enough that FreeBSD's powerd works without any issues. Unfortunately FreeBSD's powerd works without any issues. See, I knew powerd would make the machine run cooler and with less energy by scaling down the CPU speed and then boosting the CPU speed only when more power is needed. Unfortunately, its running too damn cool. I used to not have a problem with the temperature in the room, but now its just too damn cold.
Well at least the site runs 3x faster now. Just .... I didn't think it would be so damn cold in here.
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Joy!
Fri, 26 Jun 2009 | 05:41
Some of y'alls already know this. This happened yesterday and I'm quite happy by it. I talked to some of you in near-real-time, via IRC or IM. I posted on Varus and Celainia, in the "One Good Thing" threads.
Yesterday I had an appointment at CHCS at 13:15. Well, parking was a bitch, and I ended up parking in another building's parking lot, risking having the car towed away. That didn't happen. At my appointment, I spoke to someone. Not a psychiatrist, just a girl who helps get people into the system.
I am to see a psychiatrist. Well no shit, that's pretty standard following what I did. But, I also decided to enroll in employment and housing assistance. I also told her about me, and why I need these services. She asked me what's more important, moving out or transition. Moving out, since I can't transition while living with the parents. Seems they might make transition a priority for me after I establish independence.
I'm a girl, lost in the forest.
I hear something in the distance.
Could it be someone come to save me?
Its going to be interesting going to my next appointment. 2 July 2009 @ 11:00.
Yesterday I had an appointment at CHCS at 13:15. Well, parking was a bitch, and I ended up parking in another building's parking lot, risking having the car towed away. That didn't happen. At my appointment, I spoke to someone. Not a psychiatrist, just a girl who helps get people into the system.
I am to see a psychiatrist. Well no shit, that's pretty standard following what I did. But, I also decided to enroll in employment and housing assistance. I also told her about me, and why I need these services. She asked me what's more important, moving out or transition. Moving out, since I can't transition while living with the parents. Seems they might make transition a priority for me after I establish independence.
I'm a girl, lost in the forest.
I hear something in the distance.
Could it be someone come to save me?
Its going to be interesting going to my next appointment. 2 July 2009 @ 11:00.
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City Builders
Thu, 25 Jun 2009 | 09:53
I love games in which the primary objective is to build. But not just any building game, its the city builders that strike my fancy. I've tried empire builders ... not really my thing.
My favorite city builder was Pharaoh. Great game, although I didn't care too much for having deities that needed homage, nor did I like the jagged edges on the playing board. It was awesome because you set up industries, storage, and trading. You had more things to tweak and play around with than SimCity ever had. SimCity tried, but in SimCity 4 shit just became too damn complicated for an enjoyable game.
Unfortunately, Pharaoh doesn't run on Mac, nor is there an open source variant with the same mechanics. I found a web-based game called Travian, but that's so incredibly different.
I think I may make a game similar to Pharaoh, but entirely in a web browser. Yea, the game mechanics of Pharaoh in a web browser. That'll be a challenge, but also, very interesting. Rather than use someone else's IP, I'd want to use The Hawkwell Chronicles to establish content for it.
I find Travian's revenue model to be rather interesting. Perhaps for my own city builder a couple concepts for a revenue model would be similar to Travian, but I think I'd use it for trade. Premium gets longer trading range over the world map? Meh, I'll figure it out after I get it going.
The Hawkwell Chronicles is looking to be 3 games now. The city builder not being part of the storyline, just something on the side purely for fun.
My favorite city builder was Pharaoh. Great game, although I didn't care too much for having deities that needed homage, nor did I like the jagged edges on the playing board. It was awesome because you set up industries, storage, and trading. You had more things to tweak and play around with than SimCity ever had. SimCity tried, but in SimCity 4 shit just became too damn complicated for an enjoyable game.
Unfortunately, Pharaoh doesn't run on Mac, nor is there an open source variant with the same mechanics. I found a web-based game called Travian, but that's so incredibly different.
I think I may make a game similar to Pharaoh, but entirely in a web browser. Yea, the game mechanics of Pharaoh in a web browser. That'll be a challenge, but also, very interesting. Rather than use someone else's IP, I'd want to use The Hawkwell Chronicles to establish content for it.
I find Travian's revenue model to be rather interesting. Perhaps for my own city builder a couple concepts for a revenue model would be similar to Travian, but I think I'd use it for trade. Premium gets longer trading range over the world map? Meh, I'll figure it out after I get it going.
The Hawkwell Chronicles is looking to be 3 games now. The city builder not being part of the storyline, just something on the side purely for fun.
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Yay! New Server!
Tue, 23 Jun 2009 | 20:09
Emo: 
pleased
So, my dad said I can have his old machine and repurpose it as a server for Varus. Freaking sweet! This is quite a big change for the site, because this machine is so much better. His old machine will become our new FastCGI (PHP) server.
The current FastCGI Server is a 32-bit 1500MHz Intel Pentium 4 single-core with 1GB memory. Being a single-core system means it can only handle so much at once.
The new machine is a 2.4GHz AMD Athlon 3300+ with 2GB memory (I still need to confirm these specs). Its also a dual-core 64-bit system. Being a 64-bit system, it has a 17% average performance improvement over 32-bit processor. Its also newer, which means we will be able to enable power management, for less power and less heat. That means happier me since I'm in the same room with these things.
While we don't really need the upgrade, its still helpful as it will improve our page response time, and finish our processor-intensive operations (like avatar processing) quicker. More memory also means I can enable more PHP processes, decreasing the likelihood of a server error produced by nginx. So yay.
So what's to happen with the 1500MHz machine? It'll be repurposed as the web server. What will happen with the Pentium 3 that's currently operating as the web server? Well, we won't need it anymore, so it will be permanently taken out of service. Does anyone want this machine?
The current FastCGI Server is a 32-bit 1500MHz Intel Pentium 4 single-core with 1GB memory. Being a single-core system means it can only handle so much at once.
The new machine is a 2.4GHz AMD Athlon 3300+ with 2GB memory (I still need to confirm these specs). Its also a dual-core 64-bit system. Being a 64-bit system, it has a 17% average performance improvement over 32-bit processor. Its also newer, which means we will be able to enable power management, for less power and less heat. That means happier me since I'm in the same room with these things.
While we don't really need the upgrade, its still helpful as it will improve our page response time, and finish our processor-intensive operations (like avatar processing) quicker. More memory also means I can enable more PHP processes, decreasing the likelihood of a server error produced by nginx. So yay.
So what's to happen with the 1500MHz machine? It'll be repurposed as the web server. What will happen with the Pentium 3 that's currently operating as the web server? Well, we won't need it anymore, so it will be permanently taken out of service. Does anyone want this machine?